SUNDAY

went out for a ride yesterday toward sabino.

On Kolb almost to broadway I hit a bump ( I was going 25mph) and suddenly went over the bars. I've hit many bumps in the past travelling faster.

I got up pissed off and threw my shit up on the sidewalk.
I was bleeding all over.

A car stopped and told me a car hit me but they drove off.
Interesting. I dont remember being hit.

I saw a cop a block away, walked over filed a report and called Poppy.
So we went to the e.r.


ride time 10 minutes
max speed 25.2
avg 16.9
dist-2.83 miles

so 6 stitches in my chin
2 in the lip
a ton of road rash
My clothes are beat up
my glasses,the lenses are scraped,lucky I had them on.
Oh and my helmet.... yeah.
Bar tape and handle bars are worked over.

Other then that The rear rim has a small wobble but thee bike is rideable.
I'm taking it in to get a full check up before I ride it again.

I was tagged

Ok so I don't plan on tagging others but here goes my 6 word memoire-thingy

Anticipation,My taper,me, twitchy, anxious.

or perhaps a haiku-

running, weightlessness
feet floating,flying,fearless
troubles, the day fades


bah-humbug......:)

Slackie Slackerson

Well, gave the bike to my niece last week, she loves it. We all rode downtown.

Sat-Very light maintenance-

25 pushups otb directly into 50 situps otb then back to pushups then back to sit ups.

Slack-a-daze-ickle

Well I've bee building a bike for my 15 year old niece.
I found a 20 year old beach cruiser and have been fixing it up. I've sprayed it semi flat black, it has chrome and a big knobby tire up front a street slick in the back. I had to buy new pedals for it and dark blue sparkly handle bar grips. Oh and the rear fender was also sprayed flat black and has 4 inch spikes running the length of the fender.
This bike is bad ass.

Amazing what a lot of hard work a little know how and suprisingly very little money can do.

The bikes name is Spike. I've rode it down town a few times now.


I have a fuzzy leopard print house coat.
I wear it out side.
I love it.
I love to run when it doesn't try and cause me permenant damage.
(the running not the house coat)
I love Lotus and I even Love P.
No one has ever treated me with as much love and affection as she does.
All of this is very scary.
In a good way.


I AM NOT ENJOYING THE STRESS THAT ACCOMPANIES THE HOLIDAYS.

My fitness will resume.
Although I have been getting ALOT of excercise in Other ways :)

My weight is down way way way down I've lost 20 pounds.
I weigh 160 and I dont think any of the weight was muscle.

drooler

well not sure when what or how, went to sand diego mon and tues, snuck in a short run or two with Lotus and some long walks w/ P and Lotus. Camped on the beach....:)
My Left leg/ hip is giving me issues, the holidays are really hectic and I've backed off my training and am unsure whether I'll be able to run in New Mexico in January.

pitbull run-a-go-go

Ok so 11/28/07

Well I've been a bit tight lipped about this but I'll let it rip- I've been seeing someone for about a month now.....:)

I've been staying with her for almost that entire time :)
She does'nt want me to leave and I don't want to leave either.


We've been walking her dog for about an hour everynight.
The dog happens to be a 90 pound 8 year old pit bull named Lotus.


Any way last night I asked if I could go run her, so Lotus and I ran for 20 minutes!

Woke up around 6am and was allowed to run Lotus again!

We go pretty slow , shes 8 years old and I haven't really been able to run much!

Well all in all I'm not too sore and my hip seems ok.

I broke some toes the other morning on a coffee table or something, they are all black and blue!

So 2 days a total of 40 minutes, nice weather.
My friend lives on 4th ave so it's urban running at it's finest!!!

hmm...

ok ok ok o8/10/07-Friday got off work @10pm took a bit to get ready and going but managed to run 6miles @ Reid.

Ok it's friday so Sets

Block super sets no stopping-

5 pullups
25 pushups
50 crunches
5pullups
25 pushups
50 crunches
5 pullups
25 pushups
50 crunches
5 pullups
25 pushups
50 crunches

10 minute break

10 pullups
50 pushups
25 deadhang leg lifts
50bicycle crunches
200 crunches

10 minute break

max sets

pullups-17

break

pushups-91- yea

break

crunches-350 or 360 not sure! Im noticing growth! Max set increase overall and my run was fast-ish.



Mental Blather-

Been thinking about swimming again.
Swimming is love/ hate for me.
I have issues with it.
I havent swam seriously in a little over 6 years. I swam competitively for like 10 years and find it difficult to even go in the water and just soak or swim for pleasure, it's really weird. I dont hate anything but have a weird, strange loathing for swimming now. It's fascinating and kind of sucks at the same time. It's difficult for me to even get in the pool or ocean, lake ,body of water. I know its totally mental I'm just not sure whats up. I've been thinking about hooking up with a club for winter swims( hopefully a heated pool).

I just cant bear the thought of swimming, I really don't want to it's just a thought that keeps popping up in my head.

I've been really honest with myself about the whole swimming thing but just cant figure out how to drag my ass in the water. I know I have issues with it(swimming) but am unsure how to work through them. Sometimes when it's really really hot I can get myself in a pool but it's like once or twice a year. Last year I was able to swim a little.

I used to swim year round much like everything else I do.

I'm not even sure what triggered me stopping other then I was going through an unhealthy time in my life and then bam I developed a weird repulsiveness to the water. Funny...

add on

ok I thought
I was done. I boxed for about a half hour. Kind of putting different stuff together on the heavy bag. Lot's of switch kicks and knees.

It's funny I havent been kickboxing as much lately because of the toll it takes on me. Well Its as if Im becoming more cordinated or something. The left footed switch kicks are more then a distraction they actually have accuracy and a litttle power now. Over all I'm way stronger and feel better connected to my body.


And now for some modest mouse...and food, I've only eaten once today.



MODEST MOUSE LYRICS"I Came As A Rat"Well I ain't sure, but I been told He's baking cakes inside our souls Stayed awake, took a nap Got myself my bottles back I'm breakin' them out on the street Walkin' around in my bare feet I do not need you to tell me that I am not a cat I caught a ride, we caught some air He's never gonna cut his hair It takes more time to make a fake We night swam down in the lake Washed the dirt off our intentions Prattle on 'bout bad inventions I came as ice, I came as a whoreI came as advice that came too short I came as gold, I came as crap I came clean and I came as a Rat It takes a long time, but God dies too But not before he'll stick it to you Well I don't know, but I been told You never die and you never grow old Uh oh!I came as a call, I came as flat I came too soon so I came backI came as flowers, I came as niceI came as dirt and I came as its priceIt takes a long time, but God dies too But not before he'll stick it to youI don't know, but I been told You never die and you never grow old Uh Oh!

At the top of this timeline you will remember.

Ok the good stuff first-I got off work a little late so I modified my run. I ran lower bear canyon out to the phone line link passed the Blackett junction and back down the other side of the phone line link to sabino canyon road and shuttle stop 2. From there it was go time. I hammered out to the end of the road and only saw people heading back. So I hit the turn around at the end of the road touched the sign and kicked on down the hill.
Well lets see what happens if I kick it up a notch....So I started hammering downhill.I easily turned a high 5 minute mile and a low 6. I can tell my speed simple by how fast my legs turn. 5 minute miles usually make my legs spin so fast its almost as if I could fall and am unable to keep up with myself,I held this pace for 2 and a half songs. My 6 minute miles are a little more controlled but not by much. Any way I caught everyone that had passed me on their way back as I was climbing up that last long grade. They were easily 15 minutes ahead of me.
I was jamming. I may be able to do just the road in under 40 minutes...not sure. I'm a distance runner not sprinter. In fact i'm a very slow disatance runner. :) So the entire run -I started @ 6:55pm and finished all the way back and touching the jeep @ 8:21-So 1 hour 30 minutes.


Sets-2 sets of 50 pushups(100)
4 sets of 10 pullups(40)
4 sets of 25 leg lifts on the pull up bar(100)- during my 3rd set I started getting a huge knot cramp in my quad? back of my quad? weird so I had to stop for like 2 seconds.
200 variety style situps







Ok now for the unfun stuff. The following is just a way I vent and hash out my problems-If you are reading this and dont want to cry/ have a bad day or deal with my personal drivel then read no further.

So
I went searching for some paper work... and what did I stumble upon?I shouldnt have pulled it out....
An indian blessing, (this happened to have been read by the women who married us)-

Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will shelter the other.
Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other...

Now ther is no more loneliness...


Now you are two persons, but, there is only one life before you...


Go now to your dwelling place, to enter into the days of your life together...


And may those days be good and long upon this earth.


The next thing I found, what I was actually looking for-

The court orders , good cause appearing.

Judgement of dissolution is entered. Marital or domestic partnership is terminated and the parties are restored to the status of single persons .... ugg Ok so I dont cry .I dont, and I sat on the verge for sometime. Weird. Anyway my health insurance company threatened me with fraud charges because I'm single but have refused to drop coverage on my wife-ex wife whatever. So I told em, I was always upfront and honest but they insist they need a copy of the divorce paper work .This is boggling because I said ok im not married drop her and they said prove it. Then they proceed to tell me if I continue to carry her even though I'm not married I would be charged with blah blah blah...SO DROP HER. Well we cant with out prooof but if you continue to carry her we will........... AHHHHHHH. Ok so I found the document. Now I have to be able to hold it for longer then 5seconds with out freaking out....not sure how im going to make a copy of it...

Oh well with her proclivity for indulging in substances I wanted to carry her for as long as possible while her addiction plays out. Hopefully she would still be covered when she bottoms out and wrecks the other car or whatevr. Its bound to happen.

It funny she actually did me a favor by leaving because I would have stood by her no matter what. Its almost as if she left so I wouldnt get caught in her wreckage.
I still talk with her frequently...We did everything together and am not used to other people really.

I just keep short circuiting when I try and go out with friends or people or whatever.
I mean geez do I need
a head shrinking? ha nah just keep working out.
I'm not suicidal/homicidal and still have my sense of humor and happen to loathe psycho analysts :)

Whenver I feel emotions I hear all this weird self talk like dont be a puss dont be emotional dont be a sissy grow up show some maturity.

I mean Im aware of it I know...
I really got messed up this time.
I want to save up enough money and by a little shack in the mountains and learn how to be totally self sufficient.
Grieving sucks.
I dont like being so volatile and understand that the intense training im subjecting myself to is dredging all this shit out.
Fuck I need to climb.


ok so song lyrics , I seem to have trouble expressing myself so I dont know....piss and moan wah wah woh as me oh poor me.

Ok I give up.


THURSDAY LYRICS"This Side Of Brightness"
I sewed it up Stitched all these dead end streetsInto the sewn up seams of my heartstrings unwind(unwound).
Like a petal pulled from an open flower.Surrounds by fields where children sign but don't make a sound and don'tBreak it off.
This searching for what we may never find And that says it all.
I hope that we will make it through..The heartbreak that comes with just living through one dayAll the good times that past and all the friends we lose in a lifetime on our way.Here in this life we seem so lost.On this side of brightness we don't know where to go.I hope that we can make itThrough this night.

They sold you everything you need to fix you up

And you feel good now but you can't wake up. They found a way to reassure you that everything would be ok. Reach out today now I implore you to remember who you are. Return to days when you knew. You still found some light. Reveal the way you felt when you could look inside.



071307 friday after work- Ran a quick lap @ reid in under 25 minutes.

Then drove home

It's my night for sets so-

4 sets of 50 pushups(200)
4 sets of 25 squats(100)
200 variety style crunches (on the floor)
4 sets of 25 dead hang leg lift crunches from the pull up bar(100)
6 sets of 10 pullups(60)

ok so I just went through my kick box routine for a half hour...seriously blazing on the heavy bag tonight. I'm feeling sic strong.

I was never good at standard or sterotypical art but here I am creating something and this blog shows I am putting in the hard work. I'm creating me! Wow hey I'm still in my running shorts oh god I stink bad.

I'm starting to float ,soon I will fly :) .

Whatever it is, it's coming for me, and I have my moments where I still believe in fate.
Dam this rules. I'd like to go climb. Everything is slowly falling into place. An optimistic moment perhaps.

It's funny normies(normal people) have no clue how hard I play/train.
After my weekend, people @ work always seem interested in my stories and adventures. After being around me for 3 months, they are now beginning to fathom what Im about.
Im starting to see understanding , acknowledgement, when I relive my weekend.
When it comes to their turn to tell about their day off its always a little sad...ie. Sat at home etc.....until recently.
This always happens, I'm able to reach just a few and sometimes it sticks and sometimes it doesnt. Everyone wants to have adventures of their own unfortunatly nowadays alot of experiences are virtual, computers ,tv, video etc. and they take little effort other then plopping our asses down and plugging in. Hmmmm well, what I like best is when they have had an adventure,big or small and again it comes time to share. This time they emmanate a glow, a little smile and you can see in there eyes they created an experience they will remember forever.

07/10/07 tuesday-So I felt like a little drive and am spoiling myself with all these new trails.Besides, next week I have to work like 10 straight night shifts so I'll only be able to run a little bit at reid. So I decided to treat myself and go out to catalina park (1st time) and run romero pools.

I took the trail out until I passed the intial set of pools which was filled with stagnant water and picked up the trail for as far as I could follow it. After a while it ends up at some other pools and I actually found running clean water. It's funny I naturally expected it would be cold water from the snowmelt runoff of course... wait a second I'm in the desert. Warm running water! How weird. So the water just gathers in the pools from storms and such. I followed the trail til it was really not maintained anymore and found a sort of seep in one of the pools, maybe some sort of underground spring coming through the rock. The trail seems to cut cross country and looks like a bushwack,but supposedly you can take it all the way to mt.lemmon. I couldnt really follow it after a while and didnt want to be running out there at night even with my lights.

So roundtrip travel time including exploring the pools and everything 1hr.50min.

So NO RUNNING on WEDNESDAY!-I'll have sets to do though. My connective tissue needs a break.

I turned off the mp3 and just ran. I saw no one until I got back to the trailhead. In fact when I drove into the park and parked I didnt see anyone anywhere.


Randomness-The following is me being emotional -lame ,grow up, show some maturity, I know I know. Geez.



The whole run had a feeling of desolation. It was nice and I think I even managed to not think about my ex or my dog or cali or my friends there or family or anything or WORK!. Or money!

Just run.... I like this weather. So its been almost a year...I still dont want to deal with this shit. So its apparent that I've been depressed. Also I realise that I've been self medicating through excercise.

Why running?-My mind goes blank-when I climb I just remember everything and I look down and shes not belaying me or spotting me... This sucks, Isolation is probably not healthy, I just cant deal with this...I really dont like emotions.

If I'm not in tune with myself I wont be able to run the distances I want. I wish I could run all the time. Havent climbed in 2 weeks, still havent made partners out here.... should probably just go boulder.

Bouldering has the simplicity of running, just me, my shoes and chalk and the rock.

I'm in running mode. My moods are fluctuating bad. It's like coping with the death of a loved one cept the only thing thats dead is the women I knew , the girl I married, her body is still around. Some people lie, some people change, Some people never told the truth from the begginning. I know I'm an emotional midget.

I need to push myself further, this is ridiculous.

I want to push myself beyond all my natural human safety mechanisms.

Sometimes I think about swimming again, competetively. It's hard to bring myself to swim more then a few times a year. I almost hate it, almost.....

There is so much holding me back because I let it. Fuck its so simple It's on the tip of my tongue and I just ignore it. I know what to do . I can feel what I'm capable of and feel that I'm not even coming close to tapping into my potential.... So I've had it.....

I know approaching this with anger will just lead me back to the beginning. Follow through is difficult when I dont know the directions or even where I'm going.

I'm on the cusp of either a breakdown or something amazing. (the cure pictures of you came on the mp3) I'm ... I think I need to sleep I've been up since 3am... rambling on....

geez ok

Allright I have so much I want to say but Ill just get to the point Wed-4th of july- Got a late start- ran rattle snake/ esperero hit the road out to the mountain lion warning sign and turned around cause it was already dark. So I drove to Udall park and ran around and around and watched all the fireworks at the same time. During my 5th lap I stopped at the excercise course and shimmied up the diagonal pole and then dropped onto the pullup bar busted out 10 pullups then finished my run. All in all I ran for a few hours, kinda slow kinda gimpy. Um I may have to stick with just trails for a while and no roadwork. ..All my connective junk is getting sore and when this happens I gotta stick to the dirt.

The new shoes are sweet but I may pick up another pair of new balance 1060's or 1090's whatever they are called now, anyway, My brooks cascadias are sweet but extended roadwork in them is just ok but trails are fine. The new balances are the only shoe ive found consistant on both for me as far as pain management goes except that out here the trails eatem for breakfast. The cascadias are very very close and better at trails, perhaps after they break all the way in.

Unfortunately my feet are pretty much normal, I supinate just a little after 8+miles but other then that I cant have any motion control or arch or any fancy stuff. I just need an over cushioned very flat shoe which nowadays is hard to find. All the manafacturers seem to think everyone needs tons of bells and whistles Or a racing flat so Im limited to a few models and some brands I'm completely unable to wear.

Who am I?

June 24th/25th sunday afterwork or about 3am early monday morning depending on how I look at it.


Started off with some deep stretching then 1 set of 50 pushups. Lots more deep stretching. I actually took the time to really stretch. Warmed up gradually on the speed bag . Then moved to the heavy bag and just flat out brawled for 15 minutes holding my pulse at 180 bpm for the entire time. Until the threshold became to high for too long and I almost made myself pass out. I pushed to the point where I just kind of collapsed on the floor. I attempted to force myself to stay standing and work through it but was unable to. I would have passed out or thrown up for sure, who knows maybe not.

Continued stretching and hydrating... 1 more set of 50 pushups...more stretching,waterr...knees, elbows, squats! roundkicks, repeat, water, heart rate-168 for15min,water.About an hour and 15 including breaks.

Anerobic threshhold increase?





Reflections-Picture perfect fading smiles are all that's left inside. I'm not satisfied with where I'm at in life. Am I supposed to be happy?
Well, all I ever wanted it comes with a price.
We made plans to grow old.

My moods have been shitty this week.Either up or down. No middle ground.
Hey that rhymes.

Kind of a big come down from last weeks running high. I understand that.


All I can seem to think about is my ex-wife and my dog, my little family... this blows. Roll with it. Deal with it.






I still feel like I'm on the cusp of breaking through with myself, my life. The journey may be the best part, right now its also happens to be the most difficult.

Well heres to life! Humanity! Blah blah blah.

All thats trivial will fade and soon recede.....

...when your on a date with destiny. On a date with destiny.

Early sat a.m.23rd? started things off with 2 sets of 50 pushups. I've NEVER been able to do sets of 50. Let alone 2 sets. 10 pullups, dead hang leg lifts and crunches while hanging from the pullup bar. Squats! Then the heavy bag . Ive taken close to a week off from the bag and any heavy upper body work. It seems I needed the time off to heal up stronger. I'm knocking the bag around...the bag and free stand weigh upwards of 200 pounds and im now sending the whole thing flying around across the room. Ive gotta get some sand bags or something and anchor this thing down. Im sure my downstairs neighbors love me. Crazy shit.

So more then twice this week I've heard from people that im skinny or scrawny or basicaly am a pencil neck. Its ironic how im perceived outside the climbing gym or by people who dont know me or anything about muscle tone or endurance sports.

I guess I used it for motivation because I noticed a real difference even from the start of my workout. I've been mulling over a couple ideas for some long runs... another really long one, my first in Arizona. But will wait til the end of the month to see how I settle into the higher frequency of my workouts. I real wanna climb and may head down to Babo and solo the regular route,probably in a couple weeks.
Well heres to a new day dawning!

The stumbling bumbling mini epic of fun

Sunday June 17th-

So I contemplated going north and strapping on the hiking boots and exploring an area called Aravaipa canyon. So theres apparently no trail and a large portion of the hike is supposed to be bushwacking through the creek canyon.

Unfortunately due to me having to start graveyards (overnight shift) on monday at 11pm I have to sleep in late on my only day off so change of plans.

I decided to go up to Mt. Lemmon and run butterfly trail.
It's 5.2 miles one way and after reviewing the topo it seemed pretty straight forward. It seemed that after running the intial 5.2 out it APPEARED I could simply run back out to the highway and run 3 miles up the catalina highway back to the trailhead. So I figured a 2 hour trip max even if I walked some.

Again yet another new trail for me to explore!

I arrived @ the trailhead at 5:40pm stretched, geared up ,checked my bag-72oz of water, 1 hand held ,1 head lamp, athletic tape,knee strap(just in case) ,cell phone, beanie and a long sleeve wicking shirt, and some jerky just in case I get lost and have to spend the night some where and run out in the morning. Oh yeah and bug lotion. Spare batteries. I.d. and chapstick.

So by 6:00pm I was running down the trail making good time and passing hikers. I marvelled at how off camber and left leaning the trail was. So I hopped over a few downed trees and kept on trucking. After 20minutesI started wading through high ferns and undergrowth wishing I had brought my clear lens glasses to protect my eyes. There was'nt enough sun to warrant wearing my actual sunglasses.... Wham caught my toe, ended up on my arm. Nooo biggie. Still making good time.

I lost the trail a couple times, stopped for 30 seconds to peep the view and walked when I couldnt run because of the rough condition of parts of the trail. I could have used some gaiters as well, my legs were getting trashed and I found it tough to see my feet through the undergrowth.

Well for about 2 miles I continued down hill(about 20minutes or so mAYBE 30) then the ugly loose uphill started. I must have had to climb over 10 downed trees at least. I passed by a creek with actual water and 2 sick overhanging boulders with a little bit of chalk on em. To bad I did'nt bring my climbing shoes. So on I went, climbing and climbing and climbing. Alternating between running and walking when I had to. Finally I crested the top of my climb.

I noticed a microwave tower on top of the hill side of the saddle I just crested. A sign identified the top as Mt. Bigelow so off I went. I quickly came to the microwave towers and noticed a fire road going west. Knowing the road was west and realising I would never be able to follow butterfly trail in the dark so I chose to take the forest road west.


THE FOREST ROAD-

It got cold fast as the sun went down and I tossed on my long sleeve and turned off the mp3 player. I felt confidant I was heading in the right direction and was still more or less on track for a 2 hour run especially if I hit the highway.....so I passed a few people camping and kept running.
After a mile or so I came to a-T-intersection.
I continued west toward the road. After refilling both bottles from my spares and firing up the headlamp It soon became obvious I wasnt going to hit the road any time soon. So I started walking a bit more so as to not miss any important turns. Well I slowly came up upon a ridge and could hear the highway far far below.

Shit well I kept going and after about 45 minutes of this I saw an intersection coming up and increased my pace. IT WAS THE SAME INTERSECTION I HAD COME TO PREVIOUSLY! Well that narrowed my choice as to which way to go. I mulled over the idea of heading back up to where the campers were and having them drive me out. I decided against it knowing enough to keep in mind exactly how to get back to the intersection if my situation worsened. So I ran a bit and walked alot getting a little worried and figuring I should conserve some of my energy. Well This went on for 20 minutes when I crested yet another incline. This time I came to some sort of observatory.

Well off I went into the dark. I saw some weird glint ahead and thought I'd found another camper. Turned out to be a forest service truck just left there. So one more spot I could bail to if I had to sleep. Well on and on I went, ocassionally coming across signs that would say unmaintaied road for blah blah blah miles. God, At this point I had ran downhill for 40 minutes from the observatory at least 40 and wasnt relishing having to run back up that up to that truck to sleep.......

Well fuck Im starting to ration my water and am getting nervous. I knew I'd be fine but I was feeling taxed and stressed out.

So after my emotions had their way working me over for a bit I hit pavement! I came out on Bear Hollow road and made a right on Catalina highway. SCORE!

So in my head im thinking "ok so I have 3 miles of pavement pounding to go, no problem" I pulled out my cell to check in with everyone and started leaving messages. Mid message, just while Im saying well Ive got 3 miles of road left to go I see a sign for butterfly trailhead!!!! Then bam the run is over there's my jeep sitting there. So total run time 2hours 45min. 6ounces of water left.

So I get into the jeep and consult the map, it turns out I should'nt have run up to the microwave towers on Bigelow, actually I had half mile of trail left then I would have hit the road and run the 3 miles of pavement back to the trailhead...oops. Lesson learned.

Hell of a run. Got to do alot of thinking......My sugars levels are seriously out of wack, I drank some gatorade on the way down the hill and treated myself to some pie and a mocha when I got back to town.

So start time 6pm end time 845pm- 2hours 45 min. I'm definitely going back for another spin on this one. Next time Ill remember to leave a little more time or follow the right trail! Oh yeah and bring a pair of climbing slippers for those boulders.

daylight,-

It's night now so I painted a sunny day on the inside of my eyelids.

I'm sore yet feel fresh. My insides hurt- 2sets of pushups 40 a set . Bag work, I lit some candles turned out the lights and focused power and accuracy into every strike. combanations a little speed bag work and toward the end, maximum high intensity power strikes using my elbows to control the movement of the bag striking so hard I eventually broke skin on my knees and elbows ended up bleeding on my bag. Then the room turned kinda side ways and
I hit the floor. I pushed my maximum pulse too high for too long . I meditated to bring my heart rate back down. I felt focused. I could see my targets, my strike zones and was really feeling connected to my body.

Here we go here we go here we go

So I boxed for about 45 min alternating between heavy bag and speed bag .I kept pushing until major fatigue, almost to the point of passing out and then switch up to a slower pace until the point where I am almost forced to sit down . Keeping my heart rate almost maxed out for 45 min. Also 2 sets of 40 pushups a set. 10 pullups.... I may have caused a small fracture in the small bones in my left hand...oh well nothing new here. It does suprise me I can generate enough force and power to actually cause myself injury inside my hand.


Something dawned on me...physically I've endured all sorts of pain, grueling punishment, everything from rockclimbing to distance running to backcountry snowboarding, mountain biking ,competetive swimming, wrestling, and full contact mixed martial arts. Not your typical weekend warior status either. Ive pushed my physical limits....

how often have I trained the mental side? We've all had on days, days where we feel strong or focused or relaxed or a combination. Vice versa, bad days where we may feel clutsy uncoordinated etc...I realized something, and its certainly not new. As much as Ive conditioned my body despite the strength Ive built doing this , how much could i have acheived by pure focus and determination and being able to channel my energy into being calm and relaxed and focused. It seems I push and push and push to the point it does no good. I understand the importance of muscle memory especially in the sports listed above. Am I just working to the point of exhaustion and teaching my self failure? Would slower more focused less physically intense workouts be more benificial?

Sure working out to the point of sheer exhaustion is a huge release and its most definitely kept me out of trouble .I am excercise dependant and an endorphine addict.

Speaking strictly asctetically I could be a better athlete if I did less? Surly my form and technique would improve but would my strength? No logically that would diminish hence strength training specifically. I feel so unfocused.

Sometimes when Im active or training I feel I'm on the cusp of some sort of breakthrough, not your day to day pushing personal limits or boundaries,something more, dont get me wrong I am certainly not some great athlete,far far from it.

In fact im just an ordinary guy and I even look the part.

Its just a feeling, something Im unable to do justice with words. Flow? Maybe Im just in post-workout high?

I should take up regular meditation again.

One track minds,ex-wives, and...utter confusion. last but not least Hawaiian style sweet Maui onion potato chips

Lets see here, I did 10 six hour graveyard shifts straight during which I didnt do much of anything other than hit the heavy bag for short intervals like 3 days maybe 20 min a day. I may have rode once during this time period as well but dont remember.
Tuesday the 27th I switched back to day shifts and began riding everyday after work. I rode hogan trail on tuesday which was dry, rocky and technical. A good ride, kind of odd, the trail just ends. Mainly Ive been riding the Granite bay trails, something like 10 miles of singletrack dependant on how one strings them together. A couple nice hits, kickers and a table top and a hip to jump off in a few little play areas where the trail stops and starts at different trailheads and parking lots along the way. Barely a 20 minute drive from the house. Nice and cool, shadey etc.

I've been riding single track everyday for 5 days straight? I don't even know at this point. My mind is just wasted,I work,I get off I ride it rocks. Eat, shit, rinse ,repeat, sleep. Not in that order. So where to begin...I've made effort recently to possibly see the ex-wife again, On a more than conjugal purely physical level. Sure we've each had our booty calls with eachother, I was lead to believe we once again could have more than that. Unfortunately I don't believe this will ever work. Again I'm being treated poorly or being almost completely ignored. I've always poured my heart and soul into most everything I do. The affection is'nt being returned in the same or even nearly the same manner. It's like dealing with a hollow gourd filled with dried seeds. I can hear them inside but they only serve to make noise other than that, totally ineffectual, just a bunch of noise.

So how do I deal with all this? I'm heavily excercise dependant. I kind of naturally let my body do the kind of workout it craves. Be it snowboard,climb, kickbox,Mountain bike, run. It's funny really, I just rotate through different activities til I get burnt out on just one thing. Right now it's most definetly riding time.
I usually switch up to running in the summer,climbing in the summer and fall ,snowboard and kickbox in the winter. Spring time always varies but the cooler temps lend themselves to riding. Ya I know Bla blah blah.

I actually rode with a friend today...Wow instead of isolating and withdrawing from everybody and letting myself get totally absorbd in my workout I rode with my old friend Philly. We did'nt even wear the mp3's just kinda talked and cracked jokes the whole way.

Healthy? unhealthy? At this point I could rationalize everything by saying hey I did'nt get High or drink. I'm attempting to deal with problems in a healthier manner instead of just substituting addictions and approaching problems with the same line of thinking as before. It's constant work. I'm always having to fight to stay conscious of my choices and my approach to even the smallest challenges in life. Life will continue to be hard work.

I'll just have to not fight it as much. Attempt to flow.

Approaching dirty 30,Slighlty messy divorces,emotions in general

Ok being as I dont have normal sleeping habits,My friends and family know its ok to call me at almost anytime and Ill probly answer if my phone is near.

That being said my ex-wife in progress(I was walked out on in August just a couple days before my birthday.So after almost no contact and no explanation for over a month ,In september I filed for divorce.) texts me @ 4am. The divorce is finalized in March. It should also be noted that All of the money ... and I mean all of the bill money was taken for 2 months, I was told the bills were paid. So I had to take all of my savings to pay the bills,(rent,cars everything). I thought I was going to be homeless and now 6 months later Im still getting caught up and am straddled with all the bills and secret debts incurred by her(an even longer story).
Now that you are officially caught up...back to the 4am text -So apparently Im to blame for everything,of course thats the way it goes I suppose. As of last night She has lost her job and wrecked her car and I feel horrible. Also fileing for bankcruptcy?With her its tough to know what to beleive.
I know enough not to help. I would get caught in her undertow.
It hurts watching someone you love self destruct and undo everything the two of you worked so hard toward.
Not just money,personal growth, all of that undone and the regression to old behavior.
It's just fucked.