07/10/07 tuesday-So I felt like a little drive and am spoiling myself with all these new trails.Besides, next week I have to work like 10 straight night shifts so I'll only be able to run a little bit at reid. So I decided to treat myself and go out to catalina park (1st time) and run romero pools.

I took the trail out until I passed the intial set of pools which was filled with stagnant water and picked up the trail for as far as I could follow it. After a while it ends up at some other pools and I actually found running clean water. It's funny I naturally expected it would be cold water from the snowmelt runoff of course... wait a second I'm in the desert. Warm running water! How weird. So the water just gathers in the pools from storms and such. I followed the trail til it was really not maintained anymore and found a sort of seep in one of the pools, maybe some sort of underground spring coming through the rock. The trail seems to cut cross country and looks like a bushwack,but supposedly you can take it all the way to mt.lemmon. I couldnt really follow it after a while and didnt want to be running out there at night even with my lights.

So roundtrip travel time including exploring the pools and everything 1hr.50min.

So NO RUNNING on WEDNESDAY!-I'll have sets to do though. My connective tissue needs a break.

I turned off the mp3 and just ran. I saw no one until I got back to the trailhead. In fact when I drove into the park and parked I didnt see anyone anywhere.


Randomness-The following is me being emotional -lame ,grow up, show some maturity, I know I know. Geez.



The whole run had a feeling of desolation. It was nice and I think I even managed to not think about my ex or my dog or cali or my friends there or family or anything or WORK!. Or money!

Just run.... I like this weather. So its been almost a year...I still dont want to deal with this shit. So its apparent that I've been depressed. Also I realise that I've been self medicating through excercise.

Why running?-My mind goes blank-when I climb I just remember everything and I look down and shes not belaying me or spotting me... This sucks, Isolation is probably not healthy, I just cant deal with this...I really dont like emotions.

If I'm not in tune with myself I wont be able to run the distances I want. I wish I could run all the time. Havent climbed in 2 weeks, still havent made partners out here.... should probably just go boulder.

Bouldering has the simplicity of running, just me, my shoes and chalk and the rock.

I'm in running mode. My moods are fluctuating bad. It's like coping with the death of a loved one cept the only thing thats dead is the women I knew , the girl I married, her body is still around. Some people lie, some people change, Some people never told the truth from the begginning. I know I'm an emotional midget.

I need to push myself further, this is ridiculous.

I want to push myself beyond all my natural human safety mechanisms.

Sometimes I think about swimming again, competetively. It's hard to bring myself to swim more then a few times a year. I almost hate it, almost.....

There is so much holding me back because I let it. Fuck its so simple It's on the tip of my tongue and I just ignore it. I know what to do . I can feel what I'm capable of and feel that I'm not even coming close to tapping into my potential.... So I've had it.....

I know approaching this with anger will just lead me back to the beginning. Follow through is difficult when I dont know the directions or even where I'm going.

I'm on the cusp of either a breakdown or something amazing. (the cure pictures of you came on the mp3) I'm ... I think I need to sleep I've been up since 3am... rambling on....